Divorce

Divorce

Most important THE CHILDREN - No matter how mad you might get at the ex, please keep the children in mind. What you say and do ultimately rubs off on them.
In most cases the children are just as important to the ex as they are to you. I doubt that they want to hurt them either. Try to come to a way that issues can be resolved without hurting them.

Don't jump to conclusions. It is so easy to find fault with things the ex does. If you wait before reacting you will probably find it is not what you thought.

When it comes to the step-children, DO NOT TRY TO REPLACE THE BIRTH PARENT. You never can, or should, try. Nothing can replace the person that gave that child life. Instead give that child someone they can add to the list of the important people in their lives.
In some homes there is the problem with "you're not my father". The step-father is the male head of the household. He has his place in the family just as an Uncle or Grandfather. He is an extra benefit, someone to love and be loved. Someone the children can turn to, learn from, and respect.

When the children that don't live with you full-time come to visit, don't make them feel like visitors. They need to feel that it is their home too. Try to have a bed, drawers, place at the table, or anything else to make them feel at home. (look below for hints to help.)

I have one other thing that I must share. When your children change homes during the year, they also change environments. Children have to adapt, readapt, and then readapt again. You may think that they should remember your house rules. But, the same goes for the house that they just left. Give them time to settle back in.

Hints

The first reaction I have received to the hints I am going to give is "we don't have the room". When I first wrote this we lived in a 4-bedroom house with just under 1700 square feet of living space. It was not a small house, but 6 people lived in it on a regular basis. My mother is a 'snowbird' and split her time between us and Arizona. Also, my two step-daughters (N & T) visited each summer, and every other Christmas.   Now we are temporarily staying in a condo with three bedrooms, but only about 1000 square feet! Even so, we are still able to follow most of the 'hints'.
The next reaction is "we can't afford it". I am not saying to run out and do everything now. We tried to do a few new things with each visit. I think that there is an appreciation for the efforts we make. It gives the kids the knowledge that you care and want them to feel at home.

Have a futon bunk-bed. The top bunk is available for the visiting child. But when not, the bottom is a couch.

There are a number of cot brands that are well made. There are kinds that can be folded and slid under a bed, but can be set up as if a regular bed.

You can stack mattresses on a single frame during non-visiting.

Many years ago my mother bought the kids 6-plastic stacking drawers. These we used to travel and visit her. I would pack everything in the drawers, stack them in the back of the van, and use them on the visit. Now we use them for toys. But when visiting we use tubs for the toys and have the drawers for clothes.

We could move chairs back and forth between the family-room and dining-room for meals. But this is just one more area that reinforces the 'visitor' feeling. So we took cinder blocks and a plank of wood and made a long bench against the wall at the dining table. I covered it with padding and stapled it down on the ends.

On the computer we do not have them share passwords. They have their own passwords and games.

Stock the house with foods that they like. Now I do not mean candy and such. I mean that N loves Pastrami sandwiches, and T loves honey on just about anything, . They both love Sunny Delight and a sprinkling of cheese on their vegetables. So just as #2 is a vegetarian, #3 macaroni and cheese, #4 bagels with cream cheese, and #5 string cheese, everyone has their favorites.

One summer we did something extra special. I co-led two Girl Scout Troops, Juniors and Cadette/Seniors. Over the summer we enrolled the girls and worked on earning badges and bridging the youngest up to Juniors. With a house full of girls it was almost like Girl Scout Camp all summer! They put together a wonderful Bridging Ceremony with other girls from the Troops, and even a Flag Ceremony.

I know that space is a major problem. Our house gets very crowded, but it is worth it. We just moved to the same place as my husbands daughters, and we are already making plans. We are decorating the rooms with their input and giving them their own spaces right from the beginning.

Here are a few little things that mean a lot. Click on the link for more details.

1. Give them their own coat hook.
2. Have a sheet set, blanket, or comforter that is theirs.
3. If you have special dishes for the full-time kids, make sure they all do.
4. Have a bike , roller skates, or such of their own.
5. Make sure they know what is expected of them and the rules of the house.
6. Give them a "space ". Somewhere they can go and be alone.

Giving space brings another important thought to mind. I have been hearing a lot lately about the affects of birth order. In our situation it is important to remember this. So check out the page on Birth Order, and see what I mean.

MORE DETAILS ON THE LITTLE THINGS.

1. Coat hook - we are very 'crafty' around here. But you don't need to be to do most of the things we did. You can get a peg-board at the local craft store for a few dollars. Have the kids paint it and write their names by a peg, hang it up, and there you go.

2. Linens - We took the same material we made curtains with, and made a small comforter for all the girls to match. Once we get settled, they will all get to pick out and design their part of their rooms. You can also give them their own sheets or towel set.

3. Dishes - It's time to get new drinking cups for the dinner table. Buy enough for everyone to have matching ones.

4. Bikes - We have always had a bike for each child. I know this can get expensive. But with so many kids we were able to work it out.
(#2 got my husbands old bike. #4 had outgrown her bike so she gave it to T. #3 outgrew his and gave it to #4. We got #3 a new bike for his birthday. Later #4 outgrew the bike she had and we got one for her, and N at garage sales. Now T has outgrown hers and we have to do something else by next summer! In the end they all have bikes!)

5. Rules - Every home has its rules that are standard. To the people that live there it is a given. My own children know that it is never acceptable to play in the living-room. The curio cabinet is there and breakables. Why should I expect my step-daughters to know this? My oldest told me that she thinks step-parents should do one of two things.
A. Make a list of the house rules and let the kids have a copy. If something comes up that is not on the list, it is excused and added.
B. Let the other kids help them to learn the rules. This does mean giving them some slack. But it also encourages the kids to help each other.

6. Space - When all the kids are here it makes for a full house! So we try to give them somewhere they can go to have some alone time. #2 will let N have the room to herself in the afternoons. She will read, listen to music, or take a nap.  With an 8 year age difference between #4 and #5, she had toys the baby could choke on. We had a nice size storage room upstairs we used as a playroom for #4. T was able to spend that same time in the afternoons in there alone working on a puzzle.

There is always something you can do to make a child feel loved. Whether it is a small gesture or something major, anything you do will let them know that you care and love them. After all, isn't that the most important thing?